Tamriel Data:A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 6

Book Information A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 6
Added by	Tamriel Data
ID	T_Bk_DunceInMorrowindTR_V6
	75		3
Skill	Marksman

A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 6

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A Dunce in Morrowind, v6
by Frolja Silver-Blood

As had become tradition, when I woke up, I was no longer wherever I was before. Instead, I was in a rather comfy bed, inside a strange building. Really, it was almost as if I were inside some kind of mushroom. Meanwhile, my companion Remyn lay upon the floor, asleep. But he was awoke by the rattling of cutlery on a tray, whence we both saw an elf dressed in some quite fancy clothes rising to our floor, followed behind by a meek-seeming lizard man, carrying some elf-food on a tray.

"Ah, you're finally awake! Splendid, splendid. Please, take a seat." The elf said. Remyn didn't even question the situation, and just took a seat at the table at the end of the room. I however, wasn't one to act ill-mannered.

"Well met, stranger!" I said, thrusting my hand forth.

"I agree! We are well met!" The elf said, and surprisingly, he gripped my hand strongly, and shook it properly the way a Nord might. I, eager and impressed by this, increased the vigour of my shaking, and he obliged, and we both stood their shaking hands for about 8 minutes before our arms got tired.

"You know, I've never met an elf with quite so good a handshake!" I said, plonking down beside Remyn. He looked as surprised as I was to meet an elf with such a strong, enthusiastic grip. "In fact, I even forgot to ask your name!"

"That's just as well, because I've forgotten what it was." The elf said.

"It's Tholas." The lizard said.

"My name's Tholas," Tholas said, "and it's a pleasure, treat, and thrill to meet you, northman. Arguably, an honor. Perhaps even... a privilege."
 
"Hello." Remyn said.

"Yes, hello. So, you're a real Nord? From the actual Skyrim?"

"As real and as actual in all of Tamriel, elf! Born in Helgen, bred on the Snowhawk, ha ha!" I slapped my knee, on account of how funny what I had just said was. Tholas agreed, and slapped his knee in return, which lead me to do the same again. This went on for fifteen minutes.

"Ah, so your father was one of those...?" Tholas said, still guffawing.

"Yes, he certainly was! He certainly was!" I said, equally guffawing. Tholas shot a look to the lizard, and the lizard started guffawing, or at least, attempting to guffaw, but not quite doing as good a job at it. Remyn, on the other hand, was barely even trying, just giving some nervous chuckles.

"If I may interrupt-"

"Good question. Sera, may your companion interrupt?" Tholas asked me.

And I gave it some thought, as Remyn stared at Tholas in blank horror. "Yes! I think he may."

"Splendid! Interrupt away." Tholas said.

"If I may interrupt, I think I have a concussion."

"Yes, that's fine. Anyway, have you been to Snowhawk's peak before? Seen the sight of the dirty deed yourself?" Tholas said.

"Oh, now, the Snowhawk peak ain't so special. Anyone can climb a mountain his mommy and daddy climbed! You see, I once tried to climb the Eldersblood peak."

Tholas gasped. "Eldersblood peak? My word! How treacherous!"

"Aye, it would've been if I could've found the damn place!" I said, and again I slapped my knee at the supreme comedic value of my joke, and Tholas did the same. After a moment, he shot a look at the lizard, who likewise mirrored our mirth, having done better at it this time than the last.

"Here, I've had my Argonian prepare you some fine dishes. Smoked ash yam..." The lizard stood around to tray again, placing bowls of food to the front of me. "Fried Kwama cuttle, spiced racer breast, and a little taste of home for you - genuine, imported, Skyrim Bear Rump, spiced with the most superior flavourings and herbs one may find in all of Morrowind - pure, unrefined, silt strider urine."

"Pure what?" Remyn said.

"Well, I'll be! You elves sure have some strange habits, but far be it from me to be close minded!" I said, eagerly cutting into the slab of bear met in front of me. Remyn watched on blankly. "Say, I have a question." I said before I put the meat in my mouth.

"How wonderful to have but one question! You must be so wise."

"Well thank you for noticing! And that question is - why the generosity?"

"Oh, an excellent question sera. You should be proud of it."

"Don't you think so?" I said, "it's only to be expected of us educated folk, isn't it?"

"Yes, of course! Just like on the Snowhawk!" And with that, Tholas engaged in his best guffaw yet, and I must say I followed suit, slapping the knee at how simply hilarious and excellent his comedy was.

"But why the generosity?" Remyn said, before our knee slapping could reach its true intensity. "He has a point."

"Yes, he most certainly has a point. I commend him for it."

"Perhaps, sera, you could answer his question," Remyn said.

"Oh! I hadn't even thought of that!" Tholas said. "I suppose... I really am in a position to do something like that, aren't I? Well, I'll do my best."

Tholas took a think for a moment. "Ah! I've got it! That's right, I remember now. I am Tholas, Magister of the Great House Telvanni. And the reason for my generosity, I've figured out, is gratitude!"

"Are you also able to figure out the reason for your gratitude?" Remyn said.

"Well, I've figured this much out. It shouldn't be too hard to do the rest." Tholas said.

"Please do so."

"Hm? Oh, very well." And Tholas had another think. "Ah! Yes, that's it." He snapped his fingers twice, and the lizard went downstairs.

"You might recall..." Tholas said. "That a few days ago, you were arrested in Ald'Ruhn for murder."

"A ha! That unpleasant business."

"Oh, but such business is necessary, isn't it, sometimes? You see, with that interfering Volasa Odra out of the way, my foremost rival on the house council has lost the only staff member keeping his affairs in order, and my claim to power in the Great House will advance!" And the lizard returned up the stairs, holding a very familiar weapon.

"Niptickler!"

"Niptickler?" Remyn said.

"Niptickler? A fine name for such a weapon," Tholas said. And the lizard handed it to me. "I reclaimed it from the Redoran with a rather cunning scheme. Do you want to hear about it?"

"Of course!" I said.

"Wonderful! Me too."

We sat in silence for a moment.

"Would you please tell us about it?" Remyn eventually said.

"Oh, I don't know how I did it."

"Okay."

"The best kind of plan is no plan at all, isn't that right Tholas?" I said. My hand hovered over my knee in trembling anticipation.

"Ah, the profundity of your wisdom. But such is to be expected of the educated. I was told by the guards at Ald'Ruhn you're an educated future noble of the College of Winterhold, correct? I've always admired that College!"

"Oh, indeed! The place would fall apart without me! Probably already has! And you're one of those wizard elves, aren't you?"

"Indeed, I am a master of the arcane, mystic arts, both physical, and metaphysical. I'm interested in hearing a fellow educated man's perspective - particularly one from such a different educational tradition. It's all so insular around here, and stifling. We all think we know best in House Telvanni, but I know the best of all, because I know who really knows best."

"Aye? And who would that be?"

"Nords," Tholas said. Remyn's face took on an odd expression, as if his soul had decided to leave on vacation.

"Well, that's exactly the right answer!" I said.

"Tell me, sera, would you indulge me, and share some of your opinions about some academic ideas?"

"It would be my genuine pleasure, elf! Ha! Fire away!"

"Tell me, do you think it's true that Trinimac is still out there in some way? That he wasn't entirely turned into Malacath, but that the continued mythopoeic belief in him sustains an aspect, a shard if you will, of his existence in the realm of Aetherius!"

"Ah, that's all wizard talk," I said, "everyone knows he's really called Orkey!"

"And what of the land of the east, Akavir? They sat that the tiger dragon, Tosh Raka, exists in a strange sense of timelessness and timefulness, as if the two wax and wane upon his voice in ways hitherto undreamt of. In fact, they say the whole of Akavir is ahead of us in time."

"Bah! You really believe Akavir exists?" I said, slapping my thigh. "You know 2920 was fictional, right?

"...That's the first original perspective I've heard on Akavir in nearly 200 years! Remarkable!" Tholas said. "But then, how do you explain the Tsaesci Potentate, Versidue-Shaie?"

"He was probably just some lizard man who looked a bit funny, so he made up some story so people would stop laughing at him."

"...Incredible! But, what of the Kamal invasion of Tamriel? If they didn't come from Akavir... from where did they come!"

"Why, from Kamal! That's the name of the country, you know!"

"Of course! Silly me!" And Tholas did lean in, somewhat cosnpiratorially. "...What happened to the Dwemer?"

"Well, that's easy! They disappeared!"

"Yes! That's it!" Tholas slung back in his chair, pointing to me. "At last. An intellectual equal. But, tell me, speaking of the Potentate... when your people went to kill him, perhaps they got a chance to look at his private documents?"

"...Your people?" Remyn said.

"Well, I'm fairly sure it wasn't a Nord who killed that Potentate, or we'd never hear the end of our own bragging!" I said.

"Oh, and quite right too! Silly me for my forgetfulness. You know, I am quite the expert on the home of the Nords." Tholas said.

"Oh? Well, I didn't know there were any elves - or, 'mer', if you prefer -  who took us seriously!"

"Oh, us Dunmer usually interest ourselves in the affairs of Morrowind. But I take such a strong interest in the Nords - your customs, your lands, your beliefs. Your lore, if you will. Skyrim lore. I'm an expert - a fan, perhaps. For example, you Nords are quite the warriors aren't you?"

"Yes, we always say, 'the combat is better in Skyrim'!"

"And that's why I'm such a Skyrim fan!"

"Pardon me." Remyn said. "When you said 'your people', you didn't mean the Nords?"

"Oh, but I wish I did. Imagine if a Nord had done it, then perhaps you'd finally get the respect you deserve! You know, I have such an affiliation for the Nordic way, I've even taken to worshipping the Nord religion."

"Oh? An elf offering prayers to Kyne?"

"Er... you mean Kynareth, right? That reminds me, I have another important academic question, that's hotly debated among my peers. Which of the Nine Divines is most attractive, sexually?"

But before I could give the correct answer, Remyn interrupted a thriced time. "Sera. Perhaps you could clarify what you meant by 'your people', if it wouldn't be too much trouble."

"Oh, it wouldn't! I mean the Tong, of course."

"...The Morag Tong."

"Most precisely! And a wonderful job you did in Ald'Ruhn too, just let me say that again," Tholas said, "that reminds me. Why didn't you just use your writ of execution on the guards, and show them your legal authority?"

"Ho ho, that's easy. I didn't have such a thing," I said.

"H-He means that it got lost," Remyn said.

"Eh? I do?" But Remyn's face betrayed fear, and I wondered, fear of what? So, I decided to ask my educated friend.

"Say, Tholas. What is the Morag Tong?"

"Another wise question."

"Well thank you! Thought of it myself, you know."

"Yes, it's a very handsome one. But, I shouldn't keep you any longer, should I?"

"Yes, that's right. Your hospitality has been most welcome, but we must be leaving," Remyn said, standing up. And he grasped my arm and pulled me up as well, and I did pick up the sense that it was over something important.

"But hang on!" I said, "I haven't even gotten to eat!"

"But what about your cousin's wedding?"

"My what? Oh, yes, right!" I said. "Well, thank you for a wonderful time, Tholas! Who knew some of you wizards actually had a brain on you?"

"Akatosh's blessing to you!" Tholas said. "Have a wonderful journey!" And me and Remyn left, and had a wonderful journey to the docks of Port Telvannis. Remyn said not a word on our journey, and he gave me the gesture to do the same.

"I am afraid, sera, that now our lives may be in danger." He said.

"So, nothing new then, eh?"

"...Yes, unfortunately. I'll explain later." And with that, we gave money to the docklady, and set passage for the mainland once more.
 

• • • • 
        

Publisher's Note

While this particular piece has never been part of a skit, it is a literary necessity for what is to come.

The late Ferana Adrethi, when moving the Dunce off the Winterhold taverns into a book, was sure to tie it into a literary staple she grew up with. Readers familiar with certain tales will know what is to come.